It's still etched in my mind. That chilly night. The first of many. Toes freezing, legs wobbly, blood pulsing. As we glided over the glazed surface in the middle of a park in south ken, I clearly remember the twinkling christmas lights, the sweeping music and the dazzlingly colourful lights that made the ice rink seem as if it had been lit from within. But miscellaneous details aside, one segment of that perfect memory hooked itself upon me and had not yet let go. I wonder if you can recall as I still vividly do, that moment right before the clock chimed eleven, I was run into by a little girl, her cheeks rosy from the skate but ruby lips tinged purple, shivering from the cold. You laughed as you pulled me back onto my feet, ruffling her ebony head, telling her that she need not worry for the big sister will be okay and that I've got you to protect me. That precious little girl gave you a bashful smile, charmed, gave us both a little curtsy, peeking shyly at me through her curtain of hair, eyes sparkling brighter than any star I've ever seen, then vanished into the swirling crowd.
Perhaps she knew what was to come.
For you see, our story had been written at that moment, up to the very last word. It ended the way it started, but no, not in a literal sense, but let me spell it out to you why everything leads back to this.
You never only charmed one girl at a time. To be fair, not only girls were under your spell; parents, teachers, classmates, toddlers, the bus driver, the lady we walked pass as we left the coffee shop back in westminster. That little girl on the ice rink. You were simply one of the brightest souls whose glow anyone could spot from a universe away. Your admirers would circle the milky way if they waited in line, and dare I say, try as I might, I would never come close to pushing my way to the very front of the line for there will always be someone stronger, someone taller, someone... more. But somehow, I was. For some reason, I hadn't needed to elbow others to get to where I got to. Not right in front of the line, but the only one no longer in line.
You said that night that I needn't worry for I've got you to protect me. You're right. A thousand times over. You weren't a knight in shinning armour; you were the whisper that chased away bad dreams; you were the flame that consumed the darkness; you were the hand that brought back warmth to numb fingers. But just as you ruffled that little girl's hair, you ruffled mine. I was someone for you to protect, in fact, someone you had to protect because you felt that you had to. Like how you feel that you have to protect every innocent and pure or broken and hurt person you find. No, I am by no means discrediting your love. I know you meant it when you told me that night, and many other times after. I know what you meant, and you knew that I knew. And for both of us, that is enough.
When the day finally came for you to go along with the swirling lights, something way harder than a six year old hit me. I fell and thought that I would stay down because you were no longer there to pick me up and press a kiss to my forehead. But I was as wrong as that first night had been right. I got to my feet again. And yes, you were the one who helped me to my feet, though not physically. I think you know that. Actually, I would swear that you had made sure before you left that I would be able to pick up my own broken pieces. For when you were with me, you had changed my perspective of life. You showed me the colours in the wind and the beauty in the darkness. You taught me of love that doesn't settle on rates and scales and the light living within us and faith that is more beautiful than any music to be found away from our true home.
This is how on this christmas night, I purse my purple lips and blink up at the tree alight with splashes of colour that wink in and out of existence through the hair that covers half my face ever since time went on after you. And when eleven strikes sound from the tower I close my eyes and let a little smile brave the world. It will be sometime yet until I will laugh as you did that first night, but I know with certainty that the day is coming, and I have no qualms about when it should come, for you were right: the big sister will be okay and colour will return to her cheeks and twinkles will dance in her eyes and after that maybe, just maybe, butterflies will wake her heart up for a skate again.
I will be okay. And I know you are better than okay.
Christmas was the beginning of the greatest gifts in life, and one of them, was you.
