Movies and books and dramas and media these days set impossibly high standards for us to scale for the sake of what we perceive to be love. Looking around at my friends, especially lately, when the number of couples forming is increasing exponentially in positive correlation with the number of our years, I confess that I do, at one point or another, feel a sense of loneliness. No, this doesn't mean that I am truly lonely. Not at all. It lies at the opposite end of the spectrum. Actually, coming to think of it, it's not even on the same spectrum. I have people whom I care about, and some of which who, for some mind-boggling reason, care for me too.
But still, seeing your friends holding hands and hugging their boyfriends, or even watching the impossibly suave, pale, tall, and good-looking Korean actor go to great lengths for the girl he loves (so much so that we cry, either from happiness or heartbreak at why they won't get together already), is sometimes harder than you would think. It's the kind of loneliness that has nothing to do with family or friends or faith. It is simply a part of me that has been conditioned to seek for the sort of companionship that can only be found in a relationship.
I'm not saying that I'm craving any sort of relationship, but I am attempting to convey the peculiar mix of feelings turbulent in my heart. Sometimes, I feel more than happy to be alive and free and perfectly single: everything that I enjoy is about friends and family and I, myself. It's a celebration of my life and a journey of growth.
On the other hand, there are definitely days when I feel more than a little under the weather, wondering whether it's possible for a person whom I could potentially love in the future to fall for me too. I don't have a specific list of 'dream guy characteristics', but I do have a set of ground rules that aren't easy by any means. Sometimes I wonder if I'm setting up myself for something beyond my league, but the voice inside my head always tells me that in God, there are no such 'leagues'. I know that He had already chosen the one for me, and that I shouldn't worry, but worrying is a fundamental part of us and is quite difficult to banish, especially when you're on the verge of something. Nonetheless, regardless of the doubts that flit through my mind once in a while, I know deep down that I will not compromise on what I'm looking for in a partner and as well as what I want in a relationship.
So I guess that this is my longwinded way of saying I'm ready but not needy. I will not cut corners, nor will I actively seek out potential guys. I believe that sometimes the best things come when you least anticipate it. But I will wait, and while I wait I want to be focused on other things first. The greatest gift in my possession, at this moment, is time.
I am waiting for you. And while you're at whatever you're doing right now, and while we may not know each other's favorite ice cream flavours or even the other's name, I will use this time to grow, to experience, to care, to learn, and to explore. I will ask God to mould me into the woman that He had created me to be, blemished and broken but saved by grace. And then, one day, I will meet you, and I promise that I will give you my attention and my time. Then let us grow together, both into love and into faith. Let us take the time to become a matured couple that is still silly and childish, but anyone else could see our love and the love we have for our God. And for now, let us be the best versions of ourselves as life allows us to be, and let us keep striving and working and living and loving. So stay strong and stay close to God's heart, as will I.
Hope to see you soon.
Love,
Your future girlfriend, who is silly,
but will do her best
to keep that smile on your face
and that light in your eyes.
